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Zen Chick

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"There is more to life than increasing its speed. Slow down, breathe and enjoy. "

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Archives for August 2013

What Are You Expecting From Your Expectations?

By Gay Barefield Leave a Comment Aug 17

“Expect a lot, accept a little and reward often” ~ Pat Parelli, Horse trainer

There are many differing opinions about expectations, some say keep them low and avoid disappointment. Others say to aim high and exceed them. The final consensus is to let go of them all and simplify your life completely. No expectations, no worries, mon!

So who’s really right?

High, low or no, what matters is your expectations and what you are expecting from yourself and others.

For example, when you start to make changes in your life or start moving toward your passion, you may expect everyone else in your life to be on the same page and feel exactly as you do. When they don’t you feel hurt and rejected because your expectations had you looking for acceptance and support.

“Don’t they understand what this means to me?”, becomes your battle cry and your distress builds leaving you angry and even more rejected.

How is the best way to deal with repeated hurt and rejection when others in your life do not meet your expectations?

First understand that you (and all of us) are human beings with differing perceptions and opinions. That’s what makes us all unique and what I call “the human factor.”

The thing that you were so fired up about may have sparked something different in the people closest to you, leading you to the disappointment of not getting the reaction you expected from your support system.

The best way to deal with expectations that leave you flat is to always add “the human factor” into the equation. This will take your expectations to a different level allowing you to view the situation through another’s eyes.

For me, I can set the expectations bar pretty high and will project it onto others. (love my sweet husband for usually pointing this one out) Doing this leaves me all ramped up and the inner critic becomes a very loud voice in my head who won’t shut the hell up! This is how the leap off the ledge of high expectations begins.

I have two choices, be mad because someone didn’t meet my personal expectations of what they should have done or not done or add the human factor into the situation and try to see things through their eyes.

Adding the human factor never means that you change your personal honor code of expectations (your morals), it just moves things to a different level so that you can step away and look at the bigger picture. When the bigger picture comes into view, you might see a reason to lower or release that expectation all together.

What about you? Are you willing to release some of your expectations or start adding the human factor into some of them for yourself and others? I would love to hear your comments and as always share this post with a friend.

photo credit: This Year’s Love via photopin cc

“Don’t Fence Me In” – The Truth Of Why You NEED Boundaries In Your Life

By Gay Barefield Leave a Comment Aug 3

“No” is a complete sentence.” ~ Anne Lamott

BOUNDARIES.

This can be a dirty word to some and a confusing word to most. Boundaries are associated with the victim, as in “I’m a victim and you can’t talk about this or that” or just being rude, as in “this is my line in the sand and you better not cross it.”

Neither of those two scenarios are the truth about the boundaries I want to share with you today.

These boundaries are all about adding more “Zen” in your life, creating space for the things that are important and “weeding out” the things that are less of a priority. Looking at what you really want to do with your life instead of standing on the sidelines wishing you had more time to do it.

Sound interesting? Then let’s look a little closer at what’s involved in changing some things in your life by adding boundaries.

First let me say that I have discussed boundaries before in a previous post but some of this is worth repeating. We all know to change anything in your life you need to hear it several times to make it stick.

  • Truth #1: The word “No” is truly a complete sentence just like the quote says and using it allows you to free up time and space in your own life. This revelation came to me when I turned 40 and I quickly discovered that using the word “No” really did get easier to say when you used it more often. Was there guilt involved the first few times of using it? Sure but after that came a sense of empowerment that I was staking a claim for me and what I really wanted to do in my life. The wisdom in this truth is, “When your cup is full it is much easier to give to others in your life.” 
  • Truth #2: Schedule your “free time” and use it wisely. You can check on all of your social hangouts and your email but do it in short time bursts. Save the big chunks of time for yourself to read, exercise, write or whatever makes your soul sing. Even if it’s taking time to sit in your backyard, you are replenishing energy that you need to fill your cup! (try this truth for just 24 hours and I promise you will feel different)
  •  Truth#3: “What you let into your life will define you.” Everyday we are bombarded by the latest this and that so ask yourself before you buy, “will it change my life for the better?” What I mean is this, will it give you what you truly want and need or is it just filling a void? Don’t define your life with stuff and wasted time, define it with what’s important to you. (side note: I have nothing against new stuff and if a new iPhone, iPad or Tablet makes your life easier then buy it. The truth here is that too much stuff can take up and waste your precious time.)
  • Truth #4: Age changes everything, older and wiser is very true so adjust your boundaries accordingly. For me the beginning of decades do amazing things and at 50 my boundaries really shifted. What was important before really started taking a back seat to a new set of priorities in my life. Make sure that you re-evaluate your life and boundaries on a regular basis.
  • Truth #5: (one of the biggest) Once we gain our life experience wisdom call upon it to deal with all of the relationships in your life. Decide who needs to stay in your inner circle and who needs to be on the fringes of your life. Who is sucking up your time and energy and who is easy to be with. Moving people in and out of your life does not make you a bad person it makes you a smart one. And this will make everyone wonder how you live your life so well and want to learn your secrets. (and share those secrets with them)

Add these truths, minus the guilt and worry, slowly and deliberately to your everyday life. Boundaries are NOT about “fencing you in” they are about reclaiming parts of your life just for you!

I would love to hear your comments on how boundaries have helped you reclaim parts of your life and the differences they have made. As always please share this post with someone who needs to learn the truth about boundaries too.

 

photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar via photopin cc

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This is a place where we learn to slow down, enjoy our lives as they are right now, and simplify through reconnecting with nature and the moon. Learn more on the About Me page.

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These are charities that I believe are making a difference in our world. I welcome you to check them out and please donate if one speaks to you.

World Central KitchenWorld Central KitchenI believe that food, shelter and water are basic rights for every human on this planet. Jose’ Andres’ and his WCK group step in to provide beautiful, nutritious food during disasters, the pandemic, and any other opportunity where people need to be fed.Learn More Foothills Humane SocietyFoothills Humane SocietyThis is my local shelter, in Columbus, NC, doing a wonderful job at remaining as close to 100% no kill as possible. Animals make us more human and I believe in adopting not shopping for pets, saving a life with a new beginning.Learn More Trees, Water & People Trees, Water & People Caring for Mother Earth by planting trees, helping people live sustainably and decreasing our carbon footprint are things that I see as very important for the next seven generations.Learn More Lakota Law ProjectLakota Law ProjectI have a strong kinship to Native people and this group works to change many of the injustices done to the first people that still go on today, such as the right to vote.Learn More

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“Don’t Fence Me In” – The Truth Of Why You NEED Boundaries In Your Life

The Invisible Force That Can Stop You From Getting What You Want.

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